11/24/22- Goal [gohl]- From Middle English, etymologically, at least thats the oldest origin commonly found. Referring to “A limit, or boundary”. I find that somewhat ironic, as now we commonly use it to mean something someone is aiming for beyond their “normal” limits, or boundaries. perhaps one could say, they are stretching, or creating new limits, or boundaries. That may be an odd way to begin, but I have been thinking of the word a lot lately. I can not count the number of times I have written the word “GOALS” on a sheet of paper, only to stare at it, for minutes, which became days, never adding any more to it. I would question myself “what are my goals”, and occasionally something would shoot across my minds eye, only to be shot down with reason, or excuses, of why that was ludicrous, by another part of my brain, like some sort of early video game, with yet another part of my mind mockingly chuckling at my feeble attempts. Sometimes I simply made declarations- ” I will (whatever), by (whenever)!!”. Sometimes I told others, for the “positive pressure/reinforcement”, but always with the same “realistic”, mocking, voices looking on, from the peanut gallery of my mind. Forget “New Years resolutions”,the last thing I needed to start a year off was a list of things to depress myself further throughout the coming year. However, that same resistance doesn’t seem to be there any longer. While Im not entirely sure why, and would like to attribute it to a change, or shift, in mind set, I am preferring not to dwell on it, and/or “look a gift horse in the mouth”. Yet I find myself in a similar quandary when sitting down with the word “GOALS” in front of me once again. They seem separate from me, like I could write anything- and I suppose some would simply say,”because you can”. The thoughts themselves seem frightening, as if I set something too high, the possibility of not accomplishing that goal will be a fall from an irrecoverable height, so I must be reserved. My goal simply becomes “coming up with goals”, but still I forge forward. So I write some down, I write down hopes, I write down dreams, I write down longings, and now I end up in a different vexation- “WHY?”!! Yes, “why?”- why do I want that? Where did that come from? Don’t get me wrong- some things are apparent, of course, who don’t want to make more money, be more financially stable, or better with money? Of course I want to be better at my profession, my passions, my relationships, a better person- all of these make sense, they’re universal, I imagine. But- i do have some that I question as to how they will actually serve me, or any of my other goals. Won’t they just be hindering the accomplishment of my other goals?Is the mere questioning what Steven Pressfield would call “resistance”? I tend to think “if it scares you- then you must do that”, and yet, Im not sure that I should. Am I overthinking, as usual? Do goals need reason? Do they need to make “sense”? Or can goals simply be what stretches our limits of reason, or what is possible. If I don’t ask the question- will it never be answered? Are the desires of our heart truly foreknowledge of our future, separate from our own wants? Right now, I don’t know if I really need an answer, so much as I’m just thinking, or typing, out loud. Im not sure if I like my heart having desires my brain can not fully comprehend, or not. It adds to this feeling I have had of late, of my feelings of being “other” from others, really being a sensation of being “other” from my own being. Part of me says I have no choice, and I just need to hold on tight, as forsaking one goal, almost seems to negate ALL of them. Perhaps this is a different part of myself I have been ignoring for to long, finally speaking louder- finally taking aim, and making the shots. I honestly do not know, and Im not even sure I should. Leave a Comment / Uncategorized / By Bernal
11/19/22- Lets start this off by speaking about the concept of “Being a new Person”. Whats does “being a new person” mean, or look like? Is it really a choice we can make? Is it “real” because WE say it is so, or only true when others make note? Does it take time? If so, how long? Or perhaps, do we actually have the opportunity to be a new person every day, every time we open our eyes from slumber, or even simply with every choice we make? Is it a physical thing? I have been considering shaving my head for quite some time now. Many people might not even recognize me without my hair, its been such a part of my identity for so long. Is it even really possible to “Be a New Person”. I dont know if its a good or bad thing, but I was able to watch the movie “A Clockwork Orange” at a fairly young age, and in retrospect, I feel it had a profound effect on me. I say “profound”, and yet I don’t really feel like I can adequately articulate that effect, or effects, but I will never forget my main take away at the stories end. I was probably 9 or 10 years old, but what came to me in Malcolm Mcdowells final words as Alex was- “There is no changing human nature”. Not just human nature, but an individuals TRUE nature. Sure you could condition aversion, or fear, of certain behaviors, but the underlying person, or soul, was immutable. So, again- Can we change? Can we become “A New Person”? Or do we just “become” what we always were, what we were always meant to be, before life heaped on whatever adversities formed, or directed, us into something, or someone else? “Why the rumination on such a concept?” you may ask. I have been working on(notice I did not say “trying”) changing. Changing how I think, how I operate, changing… who I am. However, in many ways, I don’t feel there is a need to change ME. Im not sure there was ever anything “wrong” with ME. Did/do I have “bad” thoughts, beliefs, or behaviors? Undoubtedly! Guilty as charged!! Yet, I can’t help but think of how alien I have always felt amongst others. I have played sports, but until recently, never felt like part of a team. Only once in my life have I truly felt like part of a community, or something larger than myself, and that was very short lived, and even now I question that sensations validity. Now though, I can’t help but wonder, was this intense separation from others really a separation from others I felt, or a separation from self. Have my negative thoughts, and beliefs, been separating me from myself, from my TRUE self? Have my feelings of alienation been strictly, or mostly, a self alienation? I have so many memories of beating myself down, of looking in the mirror and saying horrible things to myself with the thought that if i was just cruel enough, if I could direct enough hatred towards myself, towards my own heart, I could stop whatever pain I was perceiving at the time. I “did the math” of why I could never be any of the things I so wanted to be. I hated the world, because I hated myself so much, the cup naturally just overflowed. And yet- there was always a part of me that didn’t just hope, it believed. It believed that was all wrong. It believed I could, no matter how I tried to beat it down, no matter the words I threw at it, no matter the “logic”I used to “be realistic”, it tossed those aside. For the majority of my life I believed I would be dead by the age of 40, and thats how I lived, and thought, and planned, and acted. I turn 50 next year, the past 9 years have been… weird, to put it mildly. Im am choosing to live differently now. To think differently. To be “A New Person”, or is it just perhaps, to be the person i always was, or was meant to be? Whatever the case, it is time. If you’re reading this, perhaps its your time as well. Leave a Comment / Uncategorized / By Bernal
IT’S ALIVE!! AGAIN!!! Back up in this bitch, y’all!! It feels weird to feel so good about a website, a kind of imaginary space, or pocket dimension, if you will, but damnit, it felt like a small piece of me was missing, or something, when this was down. Yet it is actually kind of apropos to be doing a kind of “soft reboot”, as I’m in the midsts of making some changes myself, getting an early start on making next year an exceptional one. I will be blogging more, and adding content on a more consistent basis than before. Come on back regularly and hold me to it. Thanks for dropping in- you’re awesome!! Love and peace- 2 Comments / Uncategorized / By Bernal